onald Rumsfeld, in a press conference earlier today, confronted the Washington Post story, which said he in fact ordered the firing of missiles at a Cessna aircraft flying in restricted airspace near the White House.  Rumsfeld disavowed any authorization of force, but soon went on to cry out "I'm just so tired of people not keeping secrets.  Nobody has any respect for classified information anymore."  Rumsfeld began to weep, and related to the press this shocking story:

"My mom always makes ME do the laundry at home.  I just don't understand it, it's so feminine.  She should know that the Defense Secretary can't appear at all feminine and expect to keep his job.  Then, when I refused to do her laundry, she made me wear dirty clothes for three weeks.  .....Well, it's been three weeks so far.  I told Condie about this, and asked her if SHE would do my laundry, but instead of helping out a brotha' she went and told George.  I just can't work in an office where nobody can keep secrets."

Karl Rove then rushed to the stand "Sorry ladies and gentlemen.  I'm going to take Donald out for a hose-down, and don't fret, I'll be doing his laundry tonight."  The two embraced, and Rumsfeld whimpered "Thank you darling."

The Generalissimo and Politburo, however, were evacuated from the White House, urged by Comerade Rice.

Ted Kennedy Dirty, Lying Bastard

he recent end to the search for Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMDs) has been called off by Donald Rumsfeld.  Rumsfeld announced in a press conference earlier "I was climbing out of the shower, and the sight of my hairy nipples reminded me of the exact location of the WMDs that were most certainly not placed there by me, honest."  President Bush has followed through on Rumsfeld's revelation by calling off the end to the "search." (it's unfair, in fact, to call it a search, since we didn't know where the WMDs were at the time).

Ted Newark, an analyst for ARSEPISS writes:
Had Rumsfeld not remembered where he didn't put the weapons, honest, soon after the search ended, Bush was still not to blame.  He never once said that Iraq made weapons, simply that they had them.  We know they had them, because we didn't put them there, honest.  Ted Kennedy should be talking the heat for this, because he is quotes as saying: "We have known for many years that Saddam Hussein is seeking and developing weapons of mass destruction."

Several American soldiers reported that they found chemical grenades and nerve gas in Iraq, hidden in American supply vehicles, of all places.  This dirty trick is just another sign of Hussein's treachery and deception.  And to think, he personally planted the nerve gas there so we would use it on his own people.  Clearly he didn't realize that Americans are far too intelligent to follow such an idiotic, dishonest, irritating, and generally ass-like leader.  Speaking of which, Ted Kennedy is officially a dirty, lying bastard.

Readers' Letters

any of our readers have written letters expressing their completely unbiased opinions all dealing with one of society's great menaces, the microwave.  Here, we publish several letters.  There will be a follow-up story, including our own research and reader response to these letters.

Dear ARSEPISS,
I am a strong believer in life without satan, and I have found a miraculously effective way to bring the proven scientific procedure of exorcism up to date with the 21st century.  Just as automobiles have been improved to consume more and more gasoline, and are more maneuverable (much easier to roll!), and just as we develop more and more effective sattelite missile-defense systems like Star Wars (from a pioneering, fiscally sound president!), I have advanced the art, and science, of exorcism.  Depending on the wattage of your microwave oven, a complete exorcism could take between 3 and 5 minutes on the highest power setting.  Several manufacturers have started to put a special "exorcism" button on the microwave, which senses the satanity of the baby when placed inside, and exorcises accordingly.  This new method is a great timesaver too!  Once you've finished springking holy water on your posessed baby, simply use it to wash a potato.  Puncture the potato with a crucifix while holding it front of your excessively demonic child, then insert both.  Add 2 minutes to microwaving time for each potato, to prevent the evil spirits from simply migrating to this soil-dwelling root-vegetable.
Sincerely,
Ms. DuToit

ARSEPISS,
I am very concerned that I am not using my microwave enough, and it may feel left out.  What sorts of things could I microwave to help it feel wanted?  I've heard that forks and saran wrap make great treats for microwaves, and can be very useful when teaching it new tricks.
I'm not Mexican, I promise,
Jose Tinglebuttons

Dear ARSEPISS Editors,
What happens when you put something that isn't satanic by mistake into the microwave? I accidentally microwaved my hand last week and am extremely worried about all these pus filled lumps breaking out on my knuckles.
Adam Endar